I am a 40 plus man and I have been comparing myself to others since I was a kid. Most of the time I was coming on top. About 8 years ago I started making big money. My wife was happy. She used to call me God. I started helping and paying the bills for a lot of people whom I never liked. I desperately wanted them to like me. My well-paid job brought a sense of security and more friends who would really enjoy listening to my stories. They all gave me love.
I got a mistress.
The woman who broke me. I called her God.
I met this other woman about a year ago. She looked me straight in the eye and told me: you live a lie. Funny enough, I had told her nothing about my life, self-talk and beliefs. She just saw through me and told me the cold, painful truth: I was lying to myself. I called her God.
I was stupidly strong.
Call me God
My ego had been running my life for so long. I would wake up every morning and tell myself I was great, that my job was amazing, that my wife would love me no matter what. I kept telling myself that I was a lion who could never be defeated.
Now I am not like a lot of people who have no thinking of their own, who haven’t found a purpose in life, or don’t try to become a better version of themselves.
I am a tulip
Today, I am a tulip: at night I keep to myself, during the day I am all open and receptive. And that is the time when a tulip loses its petals. The more I look inside and I compete only with myself, I love myself and I find my inner peace, the more I see the meaning of Life.
And lose my petals, of course.
This is the story of an ex who used to call me God, used me and eventually sucked the life out of me. He told me the words above over a period of 10 months. I am the woman who told him he was living a lie. He was one of my greatest teachers in this life.
The lesson I learned was to help people only when they ask for help. Unsolicited advice and help turns against the one who offers it for free. No good deed goes unpunished. Also, what is good for me may prove to be undesirable for others.
I hope you enjoyed this short confession. Before you go, check out some related posts on The Vivi:
Vivi has been writing about the process of self-realization through mindfulness and compassion since the age of six. She helps people know themselves and live their best life. Vivi has been teaching English and Romanian to 10,000 + students since 1990, and she has been blogging about the role of cooking at the intersection of food and self-mastery using simple recipes and copyright food photos.